“Am I rearing my Muslim child right?”.
“Am I too harsh? Am I pushing my child away?”.
“Am I teaching my child the skills they need to make it in this difficult world?”.
“Am I raising them to become successful adults, both in this world, and in the hereafter?”.
As a parent, I have asked myself these questions very often. Especially during these confusing times, where everything seems to be upside down!
My dream, like many other Muslim parents is to see our children as successful happy adults that have a balance between the matters of the Dunya and the matters of the Akhirah.
And even though it is our desire, but it is also our responsibility in front of Allah to try our very best to make this dream come true.
So how can we do it?
Sister Dina Khattab has translated the 30 Golden Rules to rear successful Muslim adults, from the book by Dr. Mohamed El-Darwish, “كيف تربي أبنائك“.
So continue reading to know more!
30 Golden Rules to Rear Successful Muslim Adults
Rule # 1
Treat your children according to their age.
As in the famous wisdom:-unknown
“Play with your child for seven (years), discipline your child for seven (years), befriend your child for seven (years)”
Rule # 2
Be dutiful to your parents and your children will be dutiful to you.
Rewards depend on the kind of deeds. Life is about debt and loyalty, so whoever is dutiful to his parents, their children will be dutiful to them.
The prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: ‘Be dutiful to your parents and your children will be dutiful to you.’-Narrated by Al-Hakim
Be kind and soft in your dealing.
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, “Whenever forbearance is added to something, it adorns it; and whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it defective.”-Narrated by Muslim
Be moderate in dealing with them.
Whoever exceeds the limit of what is reasonable, they have been unjust and has taken away from their children’s rights.
And whoever is negligent, he has caused corruption, hasn’t fulfilled his task nor done enough for his children.
Our goal as parents is to bring up our children to be righteous, reformers, steadfast on Allah’s path, obedient to Allah, and save them from the fire, recalling Allah’s order:
‘O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men-Qur’an (66:6)
Photo by Karolina Grabowska
We need to train them to be conscious and mindful of Allah and not us, and to self-monitor their own deeds and not what people say.
Do not give too much advice and direction.
The heart gets bored and tired of a lot of preaching and direction.
Deal with your children with love and softness and at the same time with firmness, for they both go together and are not opposites.
Establishing special laws and regulations at home that children are forced to follow and adhere to.
Treat your children with respect and appreciation, to make them feel how important they are to you, and to make them feel the importance of their presence in gatherings.
What do you think your child would feel if you got up and hugged them, showing them that you miss them and that you have been waiting for them when they come back home? What would your children feel if you asked for their opinion and then actually took their advice?
Photo by Anna Pou
Deal with your children naturally, without acting or pretending.
Parents should not show their disagreement in front of their children, and if the father orders the child or forbids them from doing something, then the mother should never object to it, and vice versa.
If there is injustice in the matter or the prohibition, then the mother’s objection and discussion with the father should not be in front of the child.
This is because if one of the parents objects against the other in front of the child, then the child will think that he is right, and that he is oppressed, and the child will strengthen their situation by the parent who defended them over the other parent.
Sitting with your children and talking to them will make them feel affection towards their parents.
Many parents do not allocate enough time to sit with their children. If they do sit with their children, they do it without meaningful programs or truthful conversations, but rather with boring or meaningless conversations, repulsive admonishing, and repeated directions/orders.
Choose for them the best friend, then half the trouble of raising them will be removed.
Be a good example for your child, so if you command them then be the first to comply, and if you forbid them then be the first to stop. Islam forbids saying what we don’t do.
‘O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do (2) Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do (3)-Qur’an (61:2-3)
Being a good example for your children is one of the most important means of upbringing them. Children are good at imitation and simulation, so the parents must be a good example, and should beware that their children see from them any bad action or saying.
Praying for them for guidance and righteousness, instead of praying against them.
To avoid gloating parents who did not rear their children well.
Grant children their rights and make them know their duties, be generous with them, and surprise them with gifts and outings.
This is because their mouth is more alert than their mind, and delicious food is dearer to some children than nice speech.
Be a good listener to your son.
If you are not like that, he will resort to others, and tell them his secrets, concerns and problems.
Rule # 20
Calling them by their most beloved names and nicknames, tell them expressions of praise and encouragement, and keep away from insulting and destructive expressions.
Photo by Monstera Production
To get your children accustomed to freedom of choice, expression, and decision-making, in a way that does not harm them in their religion and life.
For example, we do not oblige them to dress or eat food that is not prohibited. This is so that our children grow up with love for us, appreciate our value, and that we instil in them wisdom, strength and independence in their opinion.
Rule # 22
Let go of the policy of direct rejection.
Talk about the matter, discuss it and persuade before making the final decision.
Tell them how you feel about any behaviour you like or dislike.
This is a successful method where it depends on describing the speaker’s feelings using the word: “I”. You say, for example: “I am bothered by such-and-such” … “I apologize for such-and-such” … “I love such-and-such”.
Be honest and say the truth to your children, even with their embarrassing questions.
Do not interfere in children’s quarrels with each other, except when necessary.
Let them rely on themselves, and do not initiate assisting them, except when the doors are closed in their faces.
A smile should not leave your face, nor should a kind word leave your tongue.
Be fair to your children in everything.
Deal with caution and wisdom with their mistakes and bad behaviour, and to avoid the prevailing way of dealing with them, which is screaming, blaming, exasperation, insulting and self-destruction.
For example, if he comes late at night without your knowledge and you address him sharply by saying things like, “Why did you stay up late?”, “You do not listen to what I say!”, and so on.
So, what is the result? Did you use this futile method for them to repent, be straight, and be convinced, or did you just want to empty the anger and the discontentment in your mind?
This should not come from a compassionate educator/parent.
Remain calm when the child is nervous or makes a serious mistake.
The journey of raising of children to become successful Muslim adults might be stressful and challenging. However, with our reliance on Allah and trying our best to apply these 30 Golden Rules, insha’Allah we will accomplish our dream and be content with fulfilling our responsibility towards Allah’s gifts.
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Original summary document by sister Dina Khattab: HERE